Missing Home
by LiveLaughLovex
Summary: For a while, home was a place. But somewhere along the way, it became a person.
1. Chapter 1

In the early years of life, all children believe their home to be a central location. It's the place they go when they are scared, or when school is over and their bully will not leave them alone. It's the place where their mother and father are always around; always ready to catch them in the likely event that they fall from the monkey bars that were recently installed in their large backyard. It's the place that they are, at all times, the safest that they have ever been.

That wasn't what home was for Meredith Grey, though, and it never had been. Her mother and father had fought every night, their cruel words and loud yells as they expressed their constant anger at each other haunting her in the earliest and latest hours possible. And, at the age of four, her mother and father finally ended their torturous relationship and she moved with her mother halfway across the country.

It hadn't been what she had wanted, but she had gone despite that. Her mother was in pain. It was obvious, and after the trauma of ending two relationships in less than a week, Ellis seemed to be a little worse for wear. But her mother remained strong, as she always did, never allowing her daughter to see the tears Meredith knew her mother must have cried. There were never trails on her cheeks, never red and bloodshot eyes in the morning. Her mother was impervious following her divorce, and her imperviousness had spread into her relationship with her daughter.

There was a reason Meredith had been so happy to leave and move to Europe for several years, and it was so that she could escape. She had never been in a healthy relationship at the age of twenty, which was probably not very healthy at all, but she refused to become as cold and bitter as her mother had. The fact that her mother's anger was aimed at her own marriage made Meredith absolutely positive that she had no desire to get married herself.

At the age of twenty-six, though, something had changed. She couldn't explain it, couldn't explain how one man and one drink, one night that she had trouble remembering, could be the cause of her greatest joys and her greatest sorrows in her adult life. It had, though, and she had been so positive that she was doing the right thing, that this would help her become strong but not impervious, that her happiness mattered and that he was the way to become happy and successfully so.

He had been married, though, and she had been heartbroken. Addison was beautiful, of course, charming and amazing at her job, but Meredith hated her with a burning passion. Derek had told her that Addison was his wife, that she was his choice, and yet Meredith couldn't help but hope for the end of a marriage, something that was pathetic without even trying to be.

But Addison was in love, as well, and it wasn't with her estranged spouse. The fact that Meredith knew what was fated to happen in that relationship made it even more tragic. But she knew that, at one time, both of them had been happy, and wasn't that what love was? Making each other happy despite your own pain?

And so she started a relationship with the man that had changed her life. He made her laugh, cry, and wonder about life. He made her strong but allowed her to be weak. He was her greatest decision, and she loved him more than she had imagined possible.

They had fought, of course. No marriage is perfect, and theirs often reached its end before they decided that what they were fighting for was worth more than what they were fighting about. It was one of the reasons that their relationship was more successful than any other, along with a mutual respect and a love that contained such fierceness that very few were able to understand it.

They had been there with each other through everything. They had nearly lost each other many times, and they had lost their child. But they remained strong despite this, and they did become parents one day, parents to a beautiful baby girl who lit up their lives and made them feel as if they were the luckiest people on the earth.

They had another child, a son, and he was just as cheerful as his elder sister. Derek had been so happy, having been raised with so many girls, and she had smirked when he had expressed this, reminding him that they had a daughter who would force their son to attend tea parties. He had deflated a bit upon this reminder.

They had the power to be extraordinary. No fight, disagreement, or argument in the middle of the night could take that away. But, despite their wishes, a truck had managed to do so, to end the life of a father, a husband, and one of the most amazing men the world had ever seen.

During childhood, home had been a place. The older she grew, though, she realized home was a person. As she sat at the bedside of the man who had caused such pain and such laughter, she realized that he had become her home. And, without him, she was just as lost as she had been before their first meeting.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I apologize for any mistakes, whether they are contributed to plot or to misspelled and misused words. I have not watched this show since the death, and I don't plan to anytime soon, but if I make any unforgivable mistakes, please tell me and I will make an effort to correct them. I didn't plan on writing a second chapter, but I figured I might as well have a go at it, especially since people seemed to enjoy it.**

 **Disclaimer: I wouldn't be writing this if I owned it, because this pertains to Derek's death and if I owned the show he would still be very much alive with his wife and children.**

It had been two days, two days since that horrific day on which her superiors called her and informed her of the fate of the man she had longed for, loved, and thought of for so very long. It had been forty-nine hours, nine minutes, and eight seconds since that phone call echoed through her ears, since her children questioned why their mother was crying and then asked where their father was. It had been two days, and yet it felt like two decades.

She had known that she would have to say goodbye, known that it would hurt horribly to do so. But she also knew that it was a concept connected directly to the forced evolution of her life, and so, for her children, she did. She said goodbye to the man that had made her feel at home no matter their location, and she promised that she would help continue the legacy of the wonderful surgical excellence he had achieved.

His sisters flew in early the morning after the accident, all of them cramming themselves into their house in the middle of the woods, and although she often felt annoyance at their presence, she welcomed it in those moments. They were kind and understanding of her pain, as they were in pain, as well, and her mother-in-law often allowed her to do whatever she wished while she watched the children late in the morning until the early afternoon.

The children, as they always were when their father was away, were distraught, and there was no possible way to convince them that their father was gone forever. They stood at the window for hours on end, anxious for his return, and their eager faces made Meredith wish that she could share their hope, their dedication to the return of their father. She couldn't, though. She couldn't because she had loved him, and she knew that a part of her was lost alongside him.

The funeral was not a big service by any means, and the guests didn't make much of an effort to hide their tears from the widow. Cristina had flown from her hospital, leaving her intern by himself in ways of planning, and she spent much of her time with Meredith, as she had promised Derek that she would never let Meredith become the woman she had once been in the event of his death.

Meredith wouldn't ever do that, though. She had known happiness for so long, had known joy and passion and undiluted and tragic love, and all of that knowledge was due to her husband, the husband that had drawn his last breath with her by his side, the husband that would sacrifice himself before he would ever allow their children or his wife to be harmed. She had fallen in love with that side of him, the fiercely protective side that very few knew, and she knew that he would not have taken kindly to her risking herself in any way.

He hadn't taken into consideration, though, what it was to be without him, to draw every breath and know that he would never again do the same, to spend time with their children and know that they wished for their father's presence more than hers and she agreed with them. Derek, having been kind and humble many times in the past, didn't know just how much of a hold he could take on people's lives.

It had been seven months.

There was no warning when the labor came, but there had been no warning with Bailey, either. She simply delivered him when he chose to be born, and she realized the same would apply for this child, this son or daughter her husband, the man who had longed for another, would never meet.

She weighed seven pounds exactly, the same as what she had weighed at birth, and she was a replica of Derek with a bit of Meredith mixed in. She chose two names that meant very much to her: Ellis and Alexandra, and knew that the child's last name would be the most important.

Ellis was a happy baby on most accounts, especially when placed in the arms of her mother or when she was fed as soon as she requested with loud, piercing wails. Bailey and Zola often stared at her for hours, fascinated by her tininess and very aware of the fact that she was their baby sister. It was something Meredith had wanted them to be made aware of, something Derek would have wanted them to know as soon as possible, and so Zola wore her 'Big Sister' shirt everywhere she went with baby Ellie, and Bailey made faces at her until she smiled, not understanding that his sister's smiles were often caused by gas in her belly.

There were no moments in which Meredith could pause and think, and for this she was grateful. She often took their children to Derek's grave, but she never allowed herself to think about the weight of this. If she did, she would fall apart into an irreparable mess that no one would ever be able to permanently fix.

She convinced herself that it was enough, being a mother and a surgeon. She knew she was still very much a wife, though, which was the reason she could never enter a bar again, never smile at anyone across the operating table or converse with anyone in the halls of the opposite sex. Those memories were precious reminders of the beautiful life with her husband that had been given the most tragic of endings.

It had been nineteen months.

Ellis laughed as she drove her head into the cake, her curls covered with the mixture of cake and icing as she lifted it back up and gave her mother a happy grin. Meredith couldn't bring herself to grown angry, of course, as happiness was coursing through her body and she didn't wish to halt that.

Zola and Bailey had asked for their mother to purchase a cake for their baby sister before her party, and her bosses, all of whom had children that had, at one time, experienced the joys of sugar for the first time, agreed that she should do so in order to allow the toddler to grow used to the smell and taste of sugary foods.

She laughed as she lifted her daughter from her highchair, smiling as she bathed her and then dressed her. Through it all, though, she longed for Derek to be by her side.

All of their friends arrived to the party a bit early. Cristina flew down from her hospital, again leaving her resident in charge, and Owen and Amy stayed the night before despite having moved in together at Owen's apartment. She knew why they were there, of course, and it wasn't always for her daughter.

She told them countless times that she would be fine, that it didn't hurt to remember his loss anymore, but they informed her she was telling blatant lies and that they were being her friends. Amy, of course, told her that Derek would have loved anything and everything she planned. Sometimes it seemed Amy was the only one who truly understood.

She knew what it was like to lose a lover, and Meredith knew what it was like to lose a sibling. They were both quite the tragic cases in the game of fate.

It had been two years.

Ellis had long since learned to walk, running about in the fields and laughing wildly as she escaped her mother's grip. Amy caught her quite efficiently, though, and then they took her inside.

Carolyn had moved down soon after the baby's first birthday, and she spent most of her days with the child, watching her when her mother was unable to. She loved her granddaughter and said she was a replica of Derek, as though this hadn't been noticed by her daughter-in-law the moment that Ellis was placed upon her chest.

Meredith woke up every morning, showered, put on makeup, dressed herself and her children, and went to work. She completed the pattern again and again, very aware of what life had been like before the loss of her husband and even more aware of what it was following his loss.

She was reminded every day of the fact that she was not alone, though, and she was finally beginning to understand. She wasn't alone, and she never truly would be. She had her children, her son whom she had named for her husband as well as her colleague and the daughter they had saved together and the second daughter named for two of the most influential women in her life, one who dared to call her ordinary and one who conceded more than once that she was not.

She had friends in people like Arizona Robbins, Calliope Torres, and Miranda Bailey. She knew that if she ever needed anything Richard was just a phone call away. She knew that, if she ever needed them, Alex and Cristina would be at her door without a blink, and April and Jackson would accompany them.

She was far from alone. She knew that. But when she went to bed alone each night, when she felt that loss late each night, she couldn't help but feel lonelier than she ever had before.

Perhaps that was the consequence of the loss of one's home.

 **A/N: This made me very sad to write, but I do think that her coping is more important after a certain point. Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

Meredith Grey stared out from her front porch, her eyes lighting up with joy as her daughters and son played in the yard, Ellis's tiny pigtails flying as she ran about. There was something precious to Meredith about that moment. It felt as if Derek, if only for a moment, was there with her, enjoying their children's antics just as much as she was, and it hurt to remember that he could never physically do so anymore.

She had loved her husband. She had known that and he had, as well, but it pained her that much of their marriage was spent arguing. If they had tried to cope with their problems and hadn't ran every time that it became hard, perhaps they would have been across the country when that truck hit a car, and perhaps her husband would be alive, enjoying his children as he should be able to.

She often found herself furious at the man she had married, a man who had proved time and again that he had loved her even when she left, when she ran, when she lied, and when she infuriated him. He had taken a bullet for her, had held her when they lost their children, both the one she had carried and the one she had failed, and he had recorded their daughter's first laughter and her first steps in their presence. She had no logical reason for being furious, of course, but he had left her. He hadn't stayed with her as he had sworn he would. It wasn't his fault, and yet she was furious at the mention of him.

 _Damn it, Derek,_ she often found herself thinking, _why did you have to leave? Did you think that I didn't need you? Did you think that our kids didn't need you? We all needed you Derek. We still do. I love you. I need you. You promised._

He was gone, though.

And she had to cope with that.

Ellis was nearing her fifth birthday when her mother, who was nearing her fortieth, received a phone call that changed her life forever with little to no warning. She hadn't been prepared for it, of course, and she wasn't sure that it was the best decision she had made even as she made it. But, although her children questioned her sanity in the background, she continued to pack her bags, running a hand through her hair as she stared at the house she and Derek had lived in.

 _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, sweetheart,_ she thought. She would not sell their home. She loved this place, this house in which her husband had made her laugh, cry, and smile again and again. They had brought their children through the doors of the home. She had carried Ellis through those doors alone. She refused to give it up.

But she couldn't be herself there. She was married to a man who had taken up so much of its space, although it may not have been physically, and she was unable to cope with the fact that her children lived there without both parents. It hadn't been her dream, it had been theirs, and to live there after her spouse's death wasn't a plausible idea to her.

She had done it for over five years, and they had been torturous. She couldn't turn down the halls without him there, she couldn't walk into their bedroom without remembering all of the times they had laughed and cried together. She was a woman trapped in a life she was no longer able to live, and it broke her daily.

The offer was a job in New York, at a new hospital that she would run. Its neurological department was meant to be excellent, and she had been contacted due to her husband's brilliance. They had had faith in her ability to run the hospital and its groundbreaking neurological wing, and she knew that, were she to fail, it wouldn't be the hospital she would give up on. It would be her husband's dream. She couldn't give up on her husband.

She never had given up on Derek since their marriage. She had loved him more than life when he was alive, and now, without him, she often found herself lost. But, when she thought of his legacy, of all the work he had done, she couldn't help but feel as if her lifetime would be spent feeling pride for that man.

The town they moved to in the northern portion of the nation was quite large, although it paired in comparison to the capitol city or the other cities used to tourists and foreign attacks. She spent much time with her sisters-in-law as well as her husband's mother, and she knew that it meant more to them than anything else that they were able to see Derek's children, all three of them, quite often.

The hospital was groundbreaking. She loved working there, loved the people she worked with. She spoke to her friends back on the other side of the nation quite often, but she was very relieved that she had left. Every time someone spoke of anything involving the brain or neurological issues she was reminded of what she had loved and what she had lost.

The hospital had no name when she had arrived, nor had she wished for it to. The people there said that her husband's research had led to their discoveries, and so there was only one name that had the right to hang over its double electronic doors.

Her husband's last name looked beautiful over the door. Perhaps he had found his home both above her and here on earth, and, with his memory, his laugh, his smile, all around her, she could finally feel as if she was no longer missing home.

 _This is our home, Derek. And this is our story. And I'm sorry that yours ended so soon._

She dimmed the lights of the hospital, pressed two fingers to her lips, and pressed them against the face of her husband, the man who was so beautiful, the man who had changed the world, the man who had loved his children, the man who she had loved so fiercely and would never stop loving.

 _Goodnight, Derek. You were an amazing knight in shining whatever._

 _Goodbye._


	4. Chapter 4

Hello!

Many of you have asked me to continue Meredith's story after Derek's death, and, at one point, I thought I would. Then I began watching the show again-just an episode or scene here and there, not watching it constantly as I once did- and I have found that I have fallen out of love with the plot. Derek's death has impacted everyone who watches the show, and it has taken away my appreciation for the show and the enjoyment I get from watching it. Therefore, I hope you can understand that, for the time being, this story will not be continued on.

I hope that I will again fall in love with the show and continue on this story, but I am unsure that will happen. I am glad that this story may have offered comfort to all of you, and I am sad to leave behind Meredith's story, but I believe that you can tell when an author is no longer dedicated to their topic, and I am no longer dedicated to mine.

Several of my other works will be updated as soon as possible, and I may even start a new story for Meredith and Derek, but one in which his story is that of the show will not be started. Thank you for your understanding, for reading this, and for offering your support. Have a blessed day.

Sincerely,

LiveLaughLovex


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